How to Get Promoted

Hey Sam here, the newest manager at the Seattle Pear Store!  Yep. I always thought of myself as management material and apparently the good people at Pear do too. So if you're asking yourself: "What does it take to get to the top of the working world?" Just do what I did and follow these simple steps. You'll be the boss dude or dudette in no time! 

1. Treat Your Customers Badly

Seriously, the average mouth-breather that walks into the Pear Store is probably dumber than my left shoe. Use small words so as not to confuse and frighten them. 

2. Always Be Late

Don't be one of those nubs who always shows up on time. It's pathetic. Management wants a person who comes in when they feel like it. 

3. Don't Shower

The logic is simple. If you smell really bad, even if you do something horribly wrong, your boss won't want to come over and reprimand you. Think of it as a stink force field! 

4. Don't be Woody

Seriously don't be this guy: 

5. Don't Bite the PearPads!

I know this seems like common sense, but after a few hours without food and/or beverages, those PearPads start to look really appetizing. That's why you should always keep yogurt packs or bacon in your pockets so you won't be tempted to chew on the electronics.

Alright, that's it for now. It's time to pretend to fire Woody. Again. I just like watching him cry.